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When most of us think about interpersonal skills, we think about how we talk to one another or how we build relationships.
But there’s one skill we all have to use at some point that few of us are ever taught to do well.
What is the right way to apologize?
Done correctly, an apology can repair trust, reduce defensiveness, and make it easier for both people to move forward.
Done poorly, it can leave the other person feeling unheard and make the original problem bigger.
Apologies can shape how willing people are to trust you, and whether the same problem happens again.
As you’ll see below, the difference between a good apology and a bad one can come down to just a few words.
In this week’s newsletter, we’ll cover:
Why Some Apologies Don't Work
When we've upset someone, our first instinct is usually to explain ourselves.
"I’m sorry, but I was under a lot of pressure."
"I didn't mean it that way."
"I'm sorry you felt that way."
All three seem reasonable to the person saying them.
But notice how the focus shifted away from what the other person experienced and back to the speaker.
Here are the same sentences- with small tweaks:
“I’m sorry. I was under a lot of pressure, but that’s not an excuse.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, but I understand how it came across.”
“I’m sorry. I can see why you felt that way.”
This Week's Tip: Own, Repair, Change
1. Own what happened
The first step is the one most people dread. Naming what you did.
Not what you meant to do or what the other person might have misunderstood.
What you actually did:
Instead of: "I'm sorry if I was rude."
Try: "I interrupted you several times, and that was rude."
The first makes the other person's reaction the issue.
The second takes responsibility for your behavior.
How to do this in practice: Before you apologize, ask yourself: What exactly am I apologizing for? If you can't answer that clearly, you're probably not ready to apologize yet.
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2. Repair the damage
Once you've acknowledged what happened, ask yourself what the other person needs.
Is it acknowledgment? Do you need to correct a mistake?
An apology becomes much more meaningful when it comes with an attempt to repair the damage.
Instead of: "I'm sorry. I hope we're good."
Try: "I'm sorry. What can I do to make this right?"
The first puts the focus on getting past the discomfort.
The second shows you're willing to do something about the discomfort.
How to do this in practice: Ask, "Is there anything I can do to make this right?" Then listen to the answer without immediately explaining or defending yourself.
3. Change what happens next
This is the part that determines whether an apology becomes a turning point.
If you apologize for interrupting someone and then interrupt them again tomorrow, the apology hasn't changed much!
Instead of: "I'll try to be more present."
Try: "I'm going to put my phone away while you present."
The first expresses an intention.
The second identifies a specific behavior that will change.
How to do this in practice: Finish your apology with one specific behavior you're going to change. Then make sure your future actions match the promise.
This Week’s Funny
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Now for your funny:
How Jennifer Aniston’s LolaVie brand grew sales 40% with CTV ads
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