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When a conversation gets uncomfortable, it’s easy to slip into fight or flight.
Fight can sound like explaining yourself over and over, defending your position, or trying to get the other person to see it your way.
Flight can look like changing the subject, agreeing just to ease the tension, or searching for the quickest way out.
This week, I want to share a third option. I call it framing.
Framing means stating where you stand and gently guiding the conversation toward a close.
It takes restraint, especially when emotions are high, but it can help you leave the conversation with your boundaries intact, and without having an argument.
In this issue, we’ll cover:
Protecting our Boundaries
There’s a reason it feels difficult to tell someone, “I’d rather not talk about that.”
In those moments, we’re not just choosing the right words. We’re often trying to protect our privacy, our opinions, or our sense of control.
Research on psychological reactance shows that when people feel their freedom is being threatened, they can respond with anger or resistance.
These tips will help you protect your boundaries while de-escalating the conversation.
This Week’s Tip: How To Frame
1. Don’t rush to the ending
When a conversation gets hard, it’s natural to want to know where you stand. Are we okay? Did we work this out?
But you don’t have to settle everything in one conversation. Sometimes you both need a little time to think.
You might say:
“I think we both have more to think about. Can we come back to this?”
Or:
“I’m not sure what I think yet. I’d rather take some time than answer too quickly.”
It can feel strange to leave a conversation unfinished. But taking a pause doesn’t mean you’re avoiding it.
Sometimes it’s the kindest thing you can do for both of you.
If You’re in New York, Join Me
I’m moderating a candid conversation about how creator-journalists build direct relationships with their readers and turn their work into a business.
Brian Sozzi of Yahoo Finance, Lachlan Cartwright of Breaker Media, Amy Odell of Back Row, and Jason Del Rey of The Aisle will join me for the panel and happy hour.
2. Let appreciation be part of the ending
When a conversation feels uncomfortable, it’s easy to focus on getting through it. What you might forget is that the other person might be feeling the same way!
Before you part ways, a little appreciation can help:
“I’m glad we talked about this, even though it wasn’t easy.”
Or:
“I appreciate you being willing to talk about this with me.”
You don’t have to agree with them or pretend the conversation felt good.
You’re just recognizing that it took effort from both of you to have it.
3. Resist the urge to over-explain
When someone misunderstands us, it’s natural to want to keep explaining until they see what we mean.
But sometimes, the more we explain, the more the conversation starts to feel like a debate.
You can acknowledge their view without giving up your own:
“I hear what you’re saying. That’s not how I experienced it.”
Or:
“I understand why you might see it that way. I see it differently.”
You’re allowed to say what you mean and leave it there.
You don’t have to keep defending yourself until the other person agrees.
This Week’s Funny
Want to work together or have some feedback?
Email me: [email protected].
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