When I worked at CBS News, there was a correspondent whose interviews always stood out to me. She got people to share incredibly intimate details, which isn’t easy under bright lights and full crews.
She told me she had no secret, but I knew there must be one, so I asked her producer. He said she deliberately asks the most basic questions. Interviewing a gardener, she’d ask, “What do you want the plant to do after you plant it?”
Acting like a genuinely curious student is one of the most powerful—and underrated—communication tools I teach. The key is knowing when and why you’re using it.
It is the focus of this week’s newsletter where we will dissect :
Balancing Knowledge
This Week’s Practical Tip : Hold & Process
Next Week’s Tip
Balancing Knowledge
When I teach this lesson to clients, I start by clearing up a common misconception: holding back expertise isn’t about being less smart or manipulative. It’s about not rushing to prove you’re the expert in a conversation.
The benefits of this strategy (see full chart below) include empowering the other person and encouraging open dialogue. But when it’s overused, it can backfire. People may start to question your competence or wonder if you’re avoiding responsibility.
The balance is knowing when to use it. Temporarily hold back what you know to draw out the other person’s thinking—then synthesize it with your expertise. (“Here’s what I’m hearing, and here’s where I see the risk.”)
In any conversation, personal or professional, the person who already “knows” rarely discovers the better idea, the sharper message, or the emotional insight that could make a situation better.
This Week’s Practical Tip: Hold & Process
The 90-Second Hold: In your next conversation, follow one rule: for the first 90 seconds, don’t offer an opinion, correction, or solution. Use only three responses:
Clarifying questions (“Can you say more?”)
Reflective statements (“So you’re weighing timing.”)
Silence—let the pause work for you (nod or smile)
When the 90 seconds are up, summarize what you heard in one clean sentence. Hearing our own thinking reflected back to us builds trust before someone adds to the conversation.
Ask Process, not Opinion. Opinion questions force people to take sides. Process questions invite detail, context, and motivation.
Opinion: “Do you think this will work?”
Process: “How did you land there?” or “What happened right before that?”
A go-to line: “Help me understand how you’re thinking about this.” You’ll always learn more—even when you don’t love the answer.
Next Week’s Tip
I hope you’ve learned the advantages of putting yourself in the student role versus the teacher. In that spirit, I’d love to ask you a question:
I wish this newsletter was:
Next week, we’ll tackle the dreaded question: “So, tell me about yourself.”
The way you answer quietly shapes how others perceive you, which is why understanding the framework behind your response matters.
If you know someone who could benefit from practical communication tips, I hope you’ll share this with them. And if you’re interested in private or team coaching, you can reach me at [email protected]. Thank you for reading this.
