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When you talk to someone for the first time, there’s a moment when you make a quiet, almost subconscious decision.
Are we sticking to small talk?
Or is one of us going to ask a more thoughtful question?
I call the space between small talk and a deep conversation middle talk.
It’s arguably the most pivotal parts of a first conversation, which is why it can be so tricky!
Middle talk is where a casual introduction can lead to a new business partnership. It’s also when we make new friends.
While one person can take the first step, both have to want the conversation to go further.
This week’s newsletter is about making that first move and recognizing whether the other person wants to join you.
We’ll cover:
Self Disclosure
Whether you realize it or not, sticking to small talk may have a lot to do with your own subconscious fear.
You might want to share more, but in the back of your mind you’re thinking:
Am I saying too much?
Do I sound smart?
Will they think I’m weird?
Psychologists call sharing personal information self-disclosure, and it helps us build closeness.
But one person can’t do all the sharing! Both people need to feel comfortable opening up.
Here are three tips to help you gauge the other person’s interest in a deeper conversation.
Want to feel more confident connecting with clients, colleagues, or a room full of people? See how I can help you or your team.
This Week’s Tips
1. Check the setting
One of the biggest mistakes we make when navigating middle talk is overlooking the setting.
Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to fix!
Before asking a more personal question, check two things:
Do they have time to answer?
Can they speak comfortably in front of everyone here?
Someone might happily discuss a career change over coffee but hesitate in front of five colleagues.
If the answer to either question is no, keep things light and save the more personal questions for another time.
2. Test the waters
I’m constantly telling my clients to ask more questions, to be interested instead of trying to be interesting.
But if you keep asking questions without sharing anything about yourself, you may never get beyond small talk.
Worse, the conversation can start to feel like an interview!
You can test the waters by offering a small piece of your own experience and seeing how the other person responds.
For example, if someone asks whether you enjoy your work, share something personal without oversharing:
“I do, although it took me a long time to figure out what I really wanted to do.”
Do they ask a follow-up question or share something about their own experience?
That’s a sign they may want to go deeper.
If they give a brief reply and change the subject, keep things light for now.
In middle talk, you offer an opening. Their response helps you decide where to go next.
3. Make the next step specific
You’ve moved beyond small talk and found something you both want to discuss.
Then someone has to leave.
Instead of ending with “We should catch up sometime,” name what you’d like to continue.
“I’d love to hear how your launch goes. Can we connect on LinkedIn?”
Or:
“You mentioned wanting to do more public speaking. I have an exercise you might find helpful. Can I send it to you?”
Make the next step specific to the conversation you’ve just had.
You’re giving the other person a reason to stay in touch.
This Week’s Funny
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Yes, that Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He has a newsletter on beehiiv. So do Codie Sanchez, Jay Shetty, David Begnaud, Colin & Samir, and Joanna Stern.
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